


hiraeth

by itisjosh



Series: onlypain [14]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Gen, Guilt, Homesickness, Insomnia, Letters, Niki-centric, Nostalgia, Running Away, Siblings, Stress, eret & tubbo & niki are all siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27737641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: hiraeth/ˈhirˌīTH/noun(especially in the context of Wales or Welsh culture) deep longing for something, especially one's home.
Relationships: Eret & Niki | Nihachu, Eret & Niki | Nihachu & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Niki | Nihachu & Wilbur Soot
Series: onlypain [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027711
Comments: 30
Kudos: 175





	hiraeth

Niki doesn't know when L'manberg stopped being her home. 

It could have been the day that she watched Wilbur and Tommy get kicked out of their home. It could have been the day where Schlatt came to her with a suit in hand, offering her a position in his council, one which she denied. Niki isn't quite sure when she stopped thinking of L'manberg of home. She wishes that it still was home, she really does, but it _isn't_ , and it hurts. It's unbelievable how much it hurts. She never thought that she would live to see the day where she fell out of touch with L'manberg, but it's happened, and she _hates_ it. Niki tries to refrain from using the word hate too much. She doesn't like the word, she doesn't like what it entails. 

There's only two things that Niki hates. Schlatt, and the fact that L'manberg is no longer her home. Niki's been trying so hard to fix everything, to keep everything stable and running, and she _can't_. The more time passes, the worse it gets. She finds herself longing for a place that once was, and she can't find that place. No matter how hard she looks at L'manberg, it never looks the same. The walls are gone, the white house has been torn down. Everything is so different, and she doesn't know what she can do anymore. 

Niki doesn't think there's anything left to be done. 

She stares out at the place she used to call home, watching as the lanterns flicker on and off. Schlatt is sleeping. She saw Tubbo slip away from his own room a few hours ago, and he hasn't come back. Niki thinks that he's gone to Pogtopia, wherever that may be. She searched for it for a few days, giving up when she nearly got caught by Fundy. Niki doesn't think that Fundy is really on Schlatt's side. She doesn't think that anyone really is, but she can't be sure. There's so few people left she can trust, other than Tubbo. Niki used to think that she could trust Wilbur, but after everything that Tubbo has told her about him, about his plans, what he wants to do to L'manberg..

Niki doesn't think she can trust him again. Not after this. Niki wishes that she could care more about what happens to L'manberg, but she doesn't. The pride for her nation has completely disappeared, leaving an aching hole in her chest. She used to think that she would fight to the death for L'manberg, that she would do anything to keep it standing. And now, Niki doesn't remember why she thought she would die for this hellscape. She can only hope that Tommy and Tubbo leave this place before everything starts to decay even more than it already has. Neither of them should have ever been involved in these wars - they're only _kids_. They might be sixteen, but they're still teenagers. They're still child soldiers. They never deserved this. 

She flicks up her hood, turning away from L'manberg. Niki winces when a hand grabs her wrist, whirling around with her sword out, pointing it at the person's throat, and-

"Calm down," Eret laughs, taking his hand off of her. "Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he smiles, taking a step back. "Really, I'm sorry," his voice turns serious, genuine concern seeping into his words. "You're leaving."

It isn't a question. She isn't surprised.

"I am," Niki confirms, swallowing back her nervousness. She knows very well that she could kill Eret right here. She knows that Eret knows that, too. He isn't going to try anything. If he does, he'll have to answer the question of why he was out here in the first place. "Are you really on his side, Eret?"

"I never have been," he murmurs. "Neither is Fundy or Quackity. We're planning an uprising from the inside out," Eret smiles, gently. "I never had any loyalty to him, anyways. I'm the King, I never needed his approval. Where are you going?"

"Away," Niki answers simply, and she can tell that Eret doesn't need anymore than that. "I need you to keep an eye on Tubbo. Make sure he's safe."

Eret smiles. "I have been. Promise."

"Good," she nods. "Wilbur plans on blowing L'manberg up. Tommy and Tubbo are the only two that know about it, and maybe Techno. Now you do, too. Make sure that doesn't happen."

"Alright," Eret breathes out. "I'll try my best. I'm assuming that you didn't tell anyone about you leaving, then. Since you're telling me to look after our little brother." Niki turns away from him, closing her eyes. She heaves a sigh, forcing herself to calm down. 

"Don't guilt me, Eret."

"I'm not trying to. But it's the truth, is it not?" He snorts, and it's filled with bitterness and resentment. "I'll take care of him. I always have, I always will. Are you ever going to come back?" 

Niki shrugs. "I don't think I want to."

"Okay," Eret murmurs. "I'll keep him safe," Niki watches as his shoulders slouch, watches as his posture shifts into a defeated one. "I love you, Niki. You're always going to be my sister." He opens his arms, and Niki finds herself moving into them. She rests her head on his shoulder, hugging her brother back. 

"You'll always be my older brother," Niki smiles. "I'm mad at you."

"I know. I regret what I did."

"For the right reasons?"

"For the right reasons," Eret confirms. "I'm sorry. Listen," Eret pulls back, holding her at arm's length. "Be _safe_ , okay? You know what Schlatt will do to you if he ever finds you. Don't come back unless I write to you. And if I don't.." he smiles, tilting his head to the side. "Assume that it's not safe, or that I'm dead. Either one works. If I don't write to you in a year, assume that I'm dead. Don't come back to check. It isn't worth your life. I'm not worth your life."

Niki nods, feeling her throat seize. She wants to cry, but there's no good reason for that. There never has been. "Alright. Be safe, Eret. You're the one in the middle of a war, after all. I love you, too. Tell Tubbo that-"

"I will," Eret promises. He jerks his head to the side, smiling softly at her. "Go on. You don't have much darkness left to use. I'll see you eventually, Niki. Promise."

"Promise." Niki returns the word, nodding at him once. She turns away, listening to the crunch of Eret's boots as he walks away from her. Niki doesn't look back, forcing herself to keep going. Is she really forcing herself, though? No, she thinks. She isn't. L'manberg isn't home, not anymore. The people who live there aren't her home, either. She wishes that they were, but they aren't. There's too much grief and stress, there's too much pressure on her to do everything, to lead the rebellion from Manberg. Niki turns back to face her old home, a wave of nostalgia washing over her. She can see Eret's silhouette, and then she sees him turn back to face her. She smiles at him, and he does the same. He raises a hand, waving. Niki does the same, feeling herself start to tear up. 

So she turns again, and this time, she doesn't look back.

* * *

Three years pass, and Niki still waits for the letter Eret promised her. 

She found herself a village about a month into her traveling, and ended up settling down there. It's called Alpstown, and it's filled with so many people, and it's unbelievable how quickly it became her home. Niki stares up at the sky, her hands in her pockets. The smell of bread is nearly overwhelming, but she wouldn't change it for the world. Bells ring, children laugh, dogs bark. It's the perfect life for her, she's positive of it. But she can't help but feel a longing for something, for somewhere else. 

She knows what she's longing for, and she wishes she could stop.

Niki feels so nostalgic for L'manberg. She spends so much time thinking about it, how it used to be a place she felt safe. She stopped associating the word home with it about three months after she left, but it's still so difficult. She feels homesick for it, and it isn't even her _home_. "Niki!" She turns her head at the sound of a man's voice, smiling at him. His name is Joseph, and he was the one who welcomed her into the town. "You've got a letter." Niki feels her head start to spin, her heart pounding in her chest. 

_A letter_. 

"Let me see." Niki holds out her hand, trying to keep her voice from wavering. Joseph hands her an envelope, and it's crinkled and worn, but she..

Niki can very obviously see the name "Niki" scratched out on the front of it. She flips it over, feeling her heart catch in her throat when she sees the other name. Eret. Niki rips open the top, shoving the envelope into her pocket as she grabs the actual letter from the interior. 

_Hello, Niki._

_I'm sure you've been very eagerly waiting to hear from me. Sorry that it took me so long, but things have been..rough. Things have been very, very rough. Tubbo is the President of L'manberg (New L'manberg), and Wilbur is dead. I'm sorry. I know that you two were close, but he didn't make it. He blew up L'manberg. I tried everything I could to stop him, but he ended up amputating one of my legs, and I couldn't exactly move to stop him._

_He's not gone. He's a ghost. His dad, Phil, killed him. Tommy and Tubbo are fine. I made sure to keep him safe above everything, which is why I ended up killing Techno. He summoned two Withers, Niki. Everything got blown to hell, and we're still repairing. The war happened about a year(?) after you left. Wilbur doesn't remember any of the bad things he did, he only remembers the good things. He remembers you entirely. He always asks where you are and when you'll come back._

_Tubbo misses you, too. He misses you a lot. He doesn't know why you left, and he wishes that you had said goodbye._

_Anyways._

_It's safe now, Niki. You can come back to (New) L'manberg if you want. The war is over, and everything is fine now. Tubbo is going to be a good President, and I hope that you're proud of him. I hope that this letter reaches you. I sent it off to a message carrier, but I don't even know if you're still alive. You're smart and you're strong, so I assume that you are. If you don't want to come back, that's fine. I would appreciate it if you would write to Tubbo, though. If not for any other reason than to make him smile._

_Be safe, Niki. Love you._

_\- Eret._

"Niki?" Joseph stares at her. "Who's that from?" 

"No one important," Niki swallows, shoving the piece of paper into her pocket. "Just someone I used to know."


End file.
